1. |
Spiral in Houston
04:16
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what've i done?
in a sagging bed in houston
on the highway
next to a psychic's house
lit up in yellow possibility
i call you...exactly when you're least mine
it's telepathic
i know just how to find
all the airy knives
comfort me in the middle of the night
it's not personal...now that's love.
introverted concentric circles
frozen in the bloodline
see u next year unless u visit me here
i'm late.. underdressed...
laying backstroke through black.
each time we pass,
i reflect, consider that $10 special
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2. |
Eye Land
04:00
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i may not see rose again for a long time
but i won’t go swimming
today I’m bathing in music
lying around your spare room
sky is cloudy here in june
waking up under a sandy moon
you fall out your tent
saying my blindness wrung you out
on this green island, alone
for the first time in a while
the airplane ride stretched our psycho-string
til it snapped and fell in love’s big eye
it’s bigger than us both
trying hard not to read anything
but now slowly losing myself into
the memory of when i knew you
i can feel ya here with me, like oily water
subduing me ~ i think maybe you’re
thinking of me too
it doesn’t feel light...
it’s ugly, clawing at my gut...
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3. |
Ya A Mirage
04:20
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i'm not supposed to think...i should focus on my breathing
but i think about it a lot...what i could write
to convince you to try
what is love if it isn't sticking with it?
it's too late i realize
here's a list of things i'll name
to prevent me from writing you again:
all the mean things you said
every time you enjoyed inflicting pain
i remember the look in your eyes...
i remember the look in your eyes...
i remember the look in your eyes...
look, i know the devil is inside us all
and i love the way u obey your spirit's sole authority
or am i idealizing??
could it be we're valuing the same thing differently?
i've gone and given it up to a flippant tumbleweed.
i should go, just give it up and never look back.
and forget when u were alive beneath all that logic
it's a prison it doesn't serve you
i dunno why i ever loved you
or why i'm laying awake thinking of you
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4. |
Sci Fi Soap Opera
03:41
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i know i can't let go because of unresolved string
and a diffuse OCD contaminates the stream.
and i can never unsee the way i now view the world...
the rupture in the previously straight line
that happened after i returned to the ic for the first time
humidity...smelling like hot pink
sometimes i catch incense here..and i'm transported
i keep you close because i can't focus on our edges
i think we've grown irreversibly together and
it's too late to separate without cutting some of me out
i struggle to fix the problem in you that is really in me
i confess, i take full responsibility
with the waves brainwashing the shore
i fall asleep trying to take myself to a higher place
but i'm interrupted, cut off from myself
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5. |
Darkside
03:49
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last night i saw parasite
i thought i wanted company
but found i was relieved
to have two hours alone
i was so impatient the whole train ride home...
so agitated
before that i could see the deadly quiet voice tailing
the bottom of my most empty moments
over a black coffee at the waverly
in good company
im glad i saw that show with ya
im happy you're so busy...
and listening to music everyday
remembering lists better than i can
was i projecting?
i saw this movie differently
this time it's been a while...and after just a sip
at a sports bar down the street
if all you needs a drink to open up
well who am i to judge?
asked u to meet me outside
tried to keep my spirits high
ad not imagine us as one
splash that cold water on my face.
wanting u to be there pushes u away
it's pay to play...
we got another drink..and split another after that...
and picked 3 songs at the jukebox we would never hear
the darkside says "cheers"
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6. |
First I Was Afraid
02:20
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i was cleaning up socks and humming a tune
when the rising din of quarreling filled my ear
i put down the sock...and the voices stopped
and i picked it up again...and they started again
my parents fought ever since i can remember
and sometimes i got between them
and one time i fell into a basket of socks
and got a bloody nail
they never taught me how to speak
lovingly, or handle problems peacefully
but i learned how to fight..
i thought that i could be with you
i even thought that someday i could marry you
but then you said goodbye
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7. |
Body of the Lightning
04:13
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never been so relieved
to hear real thunder
twinning... echoing... connecting us like a braid of light
the drops feel like nothing
like water the warmth of your body
but i can't touch it... the body of the lightning
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8. |
Rate My Aura
05:08
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the aesthetics of erasure
the fate of echo
But we bring october with us
to feel around in that space where i used to be
held in that firm, tender way i needed
and now , broken strings of years later,
i return to that mental grove for the thousandth time
wondering if the hand is still living, invisibly
remember diner day?
lost in the tactile shapes of each other’s idiosyncrasies
christmas song delight of the local personality
warm each other up from the cold expanse of space
but we both know it’s really all out there, don’t we?
aren’t we both en route to remembering?
or are we just playing at it.
in the shallows on a date with death,
eating disgust over an appetizer of shifting sands.
that was the third or fourth time i’d kicked it
with him in three years, old hades.
you know it just terrifies me
i don’t think you could ever love me the way i love you.
i love being scared of the moon with you more
than i love being scared of my own shadow
alone in the middle of my birthday party
the key the key the key the key…
how can understanding understand itself?
the inner knows, the outer is buried in ignorance.
i am your dreams and i try to send letters
my first language is symbol
i don’t speak non-secret
back in the unfailingly blackout drunk days
under the finnocence a thought would cohere
a who-knows-how-long-rooted seed would finally sprout
those synapses would cross and spark just so
a fateful show
and a new idea would come into being
an innocuous bite-sized revelation ,
and the next day, having plain forgotten the entire night ,
that same thought would again come into being, just as before.
people would say, “you said that already”.
you know it would have been born one way or the other.
it was bound to make it through that fatty wall
up from the depths of pandora’s box and out my mouth.
is that karma
the inevitability of what is meant to bubble up
or is it something more fixed?
it’s more than individuality that is crushed beneath fatalism .
it’s every presumption of the typical value of living.
the notion of freedom
well, there is a choice :
willingly follow, or be dragged,
kicking and screaming,
dissociating,
depressing,
panicking,
raging
sorry to scare you.
i don’t claim to understand
that someone wrote it all down beforehand
but you’ve gotta admit, we don’t have control
over what bubbles up.
if you really think about it.
we don’t really have that much control over ourselves.
i mean we can try. but i guess what i’m trying to say is
we don’t have control over
what we don’t yet have control over
it’s irrefutable- that iron chain of cause and effect
I’m not advocating abdicating
but it’s a bloody race against yourself
to outrun your own desire for blindness, for innocence.
I’m all for trying as best you can
… it’s all there is to do.
that and try to find it within yourself
to wish love upon you and everyone
and everything there is.
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